Today on my mat I hurt. My whole body ached. My excruciating neck pain I woke up this morning did not cease, I fell out of my balancing poses, my flexibility ceased to exist in double pigeon as i endured the stretch, my right palm still could not take any weight (after a bad spill on the pavement last week while running) , I came close to losing my morning celery juice as my belly double flipped in a forward fold and I’m pretty sure my mat needed a good wash since all i could smell was my dog after a run in the wet woods.
I witnessed the ruminations of the mind: “Why do I hurt so much?” “Am I in need a good detox?” “What did I eat yesterday that made me feel like this?” “ was it the chocolate, the coffee?” “ Is it in response to the rugged emotional week I had?” “The sub-zero temperatures of New England’s winter flexing it’s muscles?” “ALL OF IT?”
I caught myself in the “WHY?” and brought myself back around to the “This is WHAT is happening.”
I have been on my mat enough to know of the inquiry that takes place, the internal struggle, the physical injuries and limitations, the mind’s incessant chatter, the revealing of my character, the curiosity of how I’ll show up, the breaking down, the coming together, the practice of letting go and letting it be …
I remember that this is simply the practice of
HOW IT GOES!
Some days we feel strong, balanced, light and enthusiastic, and other days we feel heavy and struggle to get through.
The next time I come to my mat it will be different, and not necessarily better, it will just be what it will be.
I was surprised that i could rally back into that practice of observing instead of the conditioned path of judgement, self criticism, comparison and expectations.
We all contend with this internal struggle which is probably what brings us to our mats again & again.
“it’s Magnetism!” says my teacher…Bingo.
Although aware that at the same time that i did not enjoy the pain and limitation, I knew it was time to book that massage to get my body in some care, find some herbal source for natural pain relief and address the stress and emotional turmoil under the surface.
Could I caress myself with positivity, loving kindness and compassion instead of hating the way i was showing up, cursing the whole experience and chalking it up to one big shit storm?
“Love the body that you are in!” says the teacher…how poignant.
Yes, i could make that choice , It is within my power to do so, It is a better choice.
Thank you body for rallying on a cold and emotionally charged day, for being devoted to driving 45 minutes to the studio I have been committed to for 10 years, for getting through all the hurt and pain, for guiding me to goodness and gratitude, for being able to do what I can, for always guiding me down the HUMBLE path of healing, growing and continually expanding.
And so it goes…